Sweep it under the Rug
Lately there has just been so much that I am trying to process. Yet it seems to be more than I can handle. Plus everythings coming so fast I can't wrap my head around what it's doing to my emotions at this point.
I'm drowning. Drowning by my own tears. Drowning from the weight of everything that gets put on my shoulders. Drowning from the expectations I am trying to fulfill. I cry more than I smile, and shit it's been that way for longer than I can truly remember. I wear a fake smile, however, everyone sees the truth in my eyes. It's been obvious for some time.
I try to fix things. Then I try to just ignore things. I try to talk about things, yet that only seems to make things worse. I tell myself to not let anything get to me. To just wake up, do me each and every day, and just keep bettering myself. The more I do, such as building my credit as well as paying on and one day paying off my car, the easier it will be to reach the goals that I have. The goals that I had always envisioned having my darling there by my side while achieving.
We used to be happy. We used to go out on date nights every week. He would text me messages that would make me smile all day, everyday. He made a point to show me affection and that he wanted me. It used to be more than just having to have sex. I used to crave him. I would love to watch out the window when he pulled in and watch him till he came through the door.
I’d get chills just looking at him. I can't lie, regardless of what may be going on between us, I still get chills looking at him. This man can make me weak by walking into the room wearing that ball cap backwards, or having that cowboy hat on. I used to envision getting to marry this man and knew he had to wear his black button up shirt, with his black cowboy hat and in his cowboy boots. You have no clue how being dressed like that, the same as that day of the concert almost 2 years ago, what it does to me. Hell, if anyone were to watch the video of me watching him walk out the front door, seeing him for the first time that day ready to go, you would see how deep the love and desire I have for him is. It's obvious just by watching and hearing my reaction in that video. There's no denying what that man can do to me without a single touch.
But what happened?
What happened to us? What happened to the love we had? Where did everything go wrong? I know I haven't been perfect, that I've been difficult, maybe even aggravating, but I know for a fact I am not the only reason and cause for everything lost between us.
Obviously not all is lost on my end since this man can still give me chills just by looking at him. I know it puts a lump in my throat and I fight tears at the thought of life without him next to me. I can't imagine a future without his touch. But just because I can't imagine it, we can't be certain I'd never have to face that. Something has changed. It's like we have lost ourselves and who we used to be as a couple. We lost our essence as a couple.
I know one thing for certain, there has NEVER been another human being to get any love or affection from me since giving my heart to this man. Nobody has ever gotten a conversation entertaining anything by me. Nobody has ever caused these eyes to do a double take or this mind to wonder.
I have never lied about where I go and what I do. I have left anything and everything I do as an open book. I have nothing to hide. When I am asked where I am, I answer. When asked what I am doing, I answer. Text messages, I answer. But why haven't I earned the same in return? Why don't I deserve the same? Why are there lies told about me? Why am I disrespected and unable to have someone to stand up and defend me? To even correct the bullshit? But more importantly why has all this bullshit been allowed to go on for years now? YEARS!?
I have asked and begged to please stand up for me. And for us! Or hell, why not stand up for himself?! I have asked and begged to put an end to a big part of what is putting an end to us. I mean how many times does someone have to ask you to do something, something that helps you in the long run, before you actually do it?! How many times does someone have to ask the person they are in a relationship with, to stand up for them? How many times does someone have to ask the person they are in a relationship with, to be honest and not keep things from them. If you can’t tell your “fiancé” about your kids calling you, then why are you together for 1, and 2 if you kept something like that from your spouse then you will keep anything from then.
I've been with my darling for almost 3 years. For the last 2 I’ve been begging him to defend me; stand up and tell the one person who causes most of what will end us, to stop with the sneaky shit, the drama and the lies. Set the nasty horrible person straight and be the adult, or better yet the parent. It's always a fight, or me left crying, and always one excuse after another, and better yet just broken promises.
This huge issue that has come between us, weighs as heavy as the world on us. I know for my darling, being "stuck in the middle" has to be horrible. I don't wish him the pain he may feel over all this, because I do know in his own way he cares about everyone that is in this mess. However, a huge part of these problems that have come between our relationship are because of him. Therefore, as mean as this may sound, I do not feel sorry for him. His lack of standing up for himself and also for me, has in time made what started as a problem to actually now be a mountain of problems. And for what? More importantly, how can we ever truly be a happy couple as long as this continues?
Aside from that situation and problem, I have asked and begged for all the hurtful words to stop, and for all the accusations to stop. There are days when he's all smiles and wants to “Joke” with me but while he's “joking” with me and laughing right then, these are the same words that are “accusations” or actions coming at me in anger during a fight. I stay on eggshells because I never know which I am getting - the fun joking side or the hurtful side. Either one, they both leave me hurt and always wondering just what he thinks of me. Whether or not he trusts me. Most of all, whether or not he truly loves me. Someone who is in love with you, wouldn't talk to you in this hurtful way.
I don't know if it's all guys or what, but he has no problem saying the most hateful, hurtful things one minute and then in the next minute it's like nothing happened and he's ready to go nessle. I dont get how guys are able to just shut off all feelings like they do. To sit like a concrete structure, no emotion, no reaction, nothing, while I am bawling my eyes out, crying for him to console me and let me know it’s truly okay. If you really love someone, how can you be like that? How they can just erase anything that has happened and not replay it or the "what ifs" over and over in their head for days to months at a time. I WISH I could just sweep everything under the rug like he can. However, that's just the problem, he just sweeps it under the rug.
It seems like as time has gone on, that the problems seem to just get worse. The disagreements and or arguments get worse. Most of all, the pain just seems to get worse with each encounter. But that pain, that’s just how it goes for me. For him, he just sweeps it all under the rug. Nothing is mentioned - until the next fight. Nothing is discussed further than me yelling and pleading for him to listen and for shit to change!
Again, time just rolls on and now it’s been almost 3 years together. 2 of those years will be the amount of time we have been engaged. Usually after a couple years the bride has already picked a date and hell even started if not fully planned their wedding! I can come up with ideas for my wedding. I might be able to collect some items for my wedding too if I really wanted to. But, I can’t pick a date. I can't send out save the dates. I can't pick a location. I can’t plan my dream fall wedding, simply because my darling is still technically married. Yea yea, trust me I know.
Not to make excuses for him, but they really have been separated for over 20 years. Yes, that number is correct. So it’s not like I’m coming in as some homewrecker type shit. But still, regardless of the time separated, they are still technically married. So how can I be considered his fiance? How can I truly be happy and brag about being engaged when basically everyone knows “his wife.” The gut wrencher part is, if it’s been over 20 years, will a divorce even happen? I mean it's been this long for them, and both of them have moved on and live their own lives. Each living their best lives, not including or having any part in the other's life.
There is a saying that is perfect in this case; “Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free.” The fact that they are still “legally married” has not had any interference with their having jobs, cars, homes, nor relationships. I am obviously not the only person who has just overlooked the married but separated relationship status. So, why file for a divorce right?
At this point I don't even know. I have asked multiple times for him to file, but of course nothing has come of that. His “wife” has offered to split the cost for the divorce and wants it done, but of course nothing has come of that. So how can I not question whether or not the divorce would ever happen. Which makes me question how I can even be engaged. Plus how can I even enjoy an engagement when I can't be happy or even plan my big day some day.
I look at everything, and question my whole life. The one I want to spend the rest of my life with, wont file for a divorce to marry me. The one I want to marry one day, won't stand up and defend me, nor be honest with me when it comes to his own kids. If these important steps don't even happen now, how can I even believe that we will find that essence we lost as a couple? Or that he will be by my side for all my achievements?
I have no answers myself, I am just trying to keep my head up and take life day by day. However, with each day that goes by, that dream of my darling becoming my husband gets dimmer and dimmer. So I wake up to another day, because what other choice do I have…..
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