Smother
I have come to realize a pattern. I don't know if it is really possible that "my darling" really knows ahead of time what's going to happen because it's impossible, but it truly never fails that every time I am planning to surprise him, he flat out fu*ks it up. I am also seeing that when we have a good day, again, he fu*ks it up. That, however, I am beginning to see is just his guilt taking hold of him as to why he gives me such a good day. I guess it's his way of easing his guilt or softening the blow before I find out.
It never fails. I always find something out.
There is the saying, "What's done in the dark will come to light." That is absolutely the truth! People will say they are going to take secrets to the grave, but I don't believe that. No, I take that back, I do believe that is true, ONLY when it involves one person ONLY knowing this secret, and then they can take it to the grave. When you are doing some bullcrap, and it involves more than just you, trust and believe that nobody loyal enough to keep a secret.
To better explain, let's say you are in a relationship and you text another female behind your "fiances" back. When you have to say, "But don't tell Lovey" then best believe your sorry ass is 1000% in the WRONG! And when that female your grimy ass is texting is the friend of your "fiance" you better believe your secret is not going to the grave booboo. What you thought you could get away with in the dark, sure as hell came to light.
The fact that I had to find out AGAIN, that the damn guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with had once again texted one of my female friends behind my back on some slimeball shit makes me sick. Literally. And yea I know I am the dumb ass fool who allowed this to happen in my relationship more than once. But until you have to feel what my heart has felt, then you don't understand how hurtful and hard it is.
What just made last night's meeting of the truth even harder to swallow, was the fact that we had such a good day yesterday when we went to eat and spent some quality time together. I HATE that he pulls me in and makes me fall back a little more in love with him each time I'm closer to one foot out the door. I HATE that every time I think we might be able to survive, he only reminds me exactly why he doesn't deserve me.
I hate myself more each time he does me wrong. I hate myself because I sit here and cry. I hate myself because I let him do this to me. I am so mad at him. He gets caught red-handed doing me wrong and his sorry ass can't even apologize to me. He never apologizes to me. Yet, I'm the dumb ass who stays and allows myself to be treated foul. This makes it twice now that this guy who was supposed to be my "fiance" has gone behind my back and texted a female that was a good friend of mine. If his ass can message them, GOD I would LOVE to know who else he has been communicating with. I mean I can almost bet every dollar to my name and hell even my life, that there are DEFINITELY MORE females out there that he's been entertaining in some type of way and I just don't know because 1 they aren't my friend, and 2 they don't know about me.
But as I said earlier, what's done in the dark will come to light. I may not know what else he's been doing behind my back but I will find out, I always do. And what he's done in the dark, eventually will show me the light to a better life - one day. Will he ever apologize, for this fu*k up at least? No of course not, because in his mind, he has done no wrong, I'm just the one who does all wrong. That blog for many more days though.
For now, I am just going to wipe my tears as I always do and go make myself look a little less like I've been crying. Then I am going to get out and away from these walls that I feel are closing in on me and I'm going to get away from having to listen to his snoring ass. Because Lord help me, with each snore he belts out, the more I just wish I could smother it with a pillow!!
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