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Our Mother-Daughter Relationship

Anyone who truly knows me, knows my mother and I have anything but a solid relationship. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. There have been extremely bad periods and then there have been periods where things were good between us. But again those periods have been far and few for many years now.


I have always been one to be that friend that many love to have. I am the one that will always be there (even when I shouldn't) and has always given my all to those I care about. I am notorious for going without if it means my friends are happy. Growing up my mom used to always tell me that you don't need friends, that family is the only one you can depend on. The way she would go on about it, it was like I wasn't supposed to have friends. I never let it change me though. It's actually hilarious to look at things today because for her claim of the family being the only ones you can count on, they are so far out of my life I don't know who or what family is anymore. That's the story of my life, which you can find that story in a blog somewhere.


Mom didn't believe in having friends, so do you think that she was a fan of me being in a relationship? Yea, hopefully, you guessed that guys were voted off every time. Let's just say, my parents tried a restraining order on one, kicked me out and wrongfully accused me of things over another, hated yet another, and missed my wedding - but let me at least give her some credit here - she was right in saying that was a mistake. It has never mattered what I do or how good the person I'm with maybe, in her eyes nothing is ever good enough. She has always made the impression I should never be with anyone. This coming from the one who has been married and divorced more than a couple of times and seems to get a new man every 10 or so years. It's safe to say, the couple that I wanted to find love just like theirs, was the love that my grandparents had. Want to learn how to not find lasting love? Well, see my mom for any support there.


I know I have made mistakes in my life and a whole lot of them. I cared more for people I thought were friends who turned out to be anything but. So maybe in a partial sense, my mom was on to something with her attempt of making me believe the family was the only one you should depend on. I can admit I also made some very poor decisions in my past when it came to guys. Thankfully I had support in my periods of unlasting love. While my mom may have been able to see into the future somehow, being able to know I picked the bad one to get with, I really think there might have been other ways I could have been shown my mistakes before things got so bad.

Now let me just make something clear real quick. I know how it has sounded so far and what you may be thinking, but this really isn't a "bash my mom" blog. I just want to let you all know a quick insight into the type of relationship my mom and I had and where I felt our biggest problems stem from. And again this is my story and even though it took many years, I have learned to see my mistakes for myself and I'll gladly admit where I was wrong. However, if you ask my mom, she will say she has done me no wrong and has never once admitted a time that she has made any type of mistake.


So anyone and everyone that knows me, has heard the stories that pave the relationship between my mom and I. Anyone and everyone who knows me has seen the pain that I go through from my mom's actions and behaviors. Everyone has seen what I put myself through because of my mom as well.


In my life now, when asked about family, it's a clean-cut response that I do not have any family. My mom and I talk, ever so briefly, mostly when one of us is contacting the other about some mail that has come or is coming. We meet up for me to get my mail and will talk for maybe five minutes and then off our separate ways we go. I know for a fact and can show proof in the phone records, I am the one that attempts contact more than she does and it's usually me only getting her voicemail and I'm lucky to get a callback. So I get it I know and I admit I fu*ked up in my life and hurt those in my life. I lost trust, lost relationships, hell I lost everything I had in my life flat out! But you better damn well believe I have fought and worked my ass off to get where I am today. I have acknowledged my mistakes and the pain that I caused and I have apologized and damn near begged for forgiveness. Yet just like when I was growing up, in the eyes of my mom, I can do no right. It's always been what and how I have been wrong. People are surprised and probably think I'm exaggerating when I say, I truly believe my mother and possibly "the family" are actually disappointed when I am doing good in my life and found happiness.


Even though I have always expressed the things that my mom has or is doing that hurts me, not many people today get to witness for themselves the work of my mom. I have been with my darling for 6 months now, and he has just met my mom for the first time a couple of weeks ago. It was during our typical "mail exchange" that lasted about 5 minutes, but this time, adding another person to conversate, I'll say maybe this time lasted 7 minutes. I was waiting for a very important paper to come that is needed to take care of something from my past that's holding me back. My mom asked if that was what I was waiting for and I told her that thankfully it was. And then my mom proceeded to do what she does best. My mom made sure to point out to my darling and I how I have the worst luck in my life. She then looks at me and says "I better be careful," and while she is pointing at the sky she says, "there are a lot of black clouds out tonight." Seriously?!


I don't know why I was even surprised and why I have let that one comment from my mom bother me as much as it has for the past couple of weeks. After she said that, it was all I could do to smile and brush it off like it had no effect at all over me. I just looked at my darling and then at my mom and told her we had to go get my car and thanks for bringing my mail. When we pulled away I told my darling, "Well that was my mom, now you see just what I mean when it comes to her."


As much as her comment hurt me, I was glad she said it and that she said it in front of my darling. I was so glad that finally, someone else was there to witness how my mom hurts me with her low blows and her inability to tell me she is happy and proud of me. I mean my goodness, I have done so freaking much since my release a year ago. I may not be where I want to be but that day is coming and I have achieved so much for myself. I know it would be a great feeling to know I have my own mom there for me and to be proud or just any form of a positive person in my life, I mean hell, she is my mom. But I mean I am how old, and I've been dealing with things like this for how long?


I think the more I do for my life and the happier I get in my life and my relationship, the easier it is to let my relationship with my mom go. It is what it is. I know it hurts to not have my family but I know for certain, I have one hell of a "street" family that tells me often how proud they are of me for who I am today. They remind me of how far I've come and always want to stand up and are willing to tell anyone and everyone just how great I've done.


Knowing I have amazing friends and an amazing man by my side is far better and has more love, than what my relationship with my mom could ever be. It's sad but true.




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