Nagging

I think I am having a whole ass breakdown. I am suffocating. I'm not happy but what's messed up is that I am happy - at least in some aspects. I know this is all just a bunch of little things that are adding up to make me feel like it's giant. I know this is all going to pass because I refuse for it not to. I have been saying I feel stuck, stuck between 4 walls of a room that's getting smaller day by day.

I was scrolling through pictures recently and online of quotes. They are the fuel to the fire on days that I know I need to get my blog life on. First one as well as the best said, "You are forgetting how far you have come." I don't know why I let the dark consume me enough that I forget that. Usually I am the one reminding myself of how far I have come in a year just to keep myself fighting for more; I refuse to be anything like what it seems my mother and oldest expect me to be.

I had gone years living homeless with nothing to show for, nor any stability of any type whatsoever. I had more snakes than friends. I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. Looking back, I truly have no clue how I made it like I did, for as long as I did. I still am surprised over the fact that I, of all people, actually never gave up on what I was fighting everyday for.

I have been out there not sure how I was going to eat or get something to drink for the day. I was out there at one point with no car or even a bike to ride to get me anywhere. I worried where I was going to sleep and or more importantly, I worried about who was going to come around while I slept. I'd hope and pray they wouldn't find anything of mine and steal it. Those to me are real damn problems. Those problems laugh in the faces of the so-called problems I am allowing to break me down.

It's probably fair to call these problems something more like inconveniences, or, I don't know. Maybe I will have to get back to you on that.

I am, you could say, a stubborn ass or a chicken shit when it comes to certain things. One thing would be the fact that I don't like to ask people for something, even when that something is already mine. Yea I know that one is just plum dumb. The only thing I have come up with is that to me, I feel like I am nagging. In my eyes when you use something, you put it back. When you borrow something, you return it. If you say you are going to do something, then you keep to your word. I mean isn't that common sense? Or how about the basics of manners and respect. I always say it must be because I am from another generation or geographical location and why I find that people just don't understand any of the basics. Come on people, repeat after me and you know who you are, IT'S COMMON SENSE! So again, when I have to do something as in asking for what is mine, I feel like I'm nagging. And I hate that so freaking much.

Obviously since I bring up the whole common sense thing I might as well talk about what’s obvious. While I don’t like to ask for something that is already mine, I also don’t like asking for help when it’s obvious help could be used. I may just be used to having to do shit myself and just more at ease knowing that at least shit actually gets done if I do it, but god to have help and not have to ask for it would be nice. At least once in a while. I mean it all goes back to that common sense factor, if you see dishes that need to be put in the sink, put them there! If you have laundry that needs to be washed, rather than leave them in a pile on the floor, just put them in the dirty laundry that you know is sitting where it always goes. Garbage is ready to go out, why not take it as you walk right by it to leave? Why should I have to ask for help to do things that are so obvious? Yet instead of someone picking up on the obvious, I just go ahead and do it all myself because I don't like feeling like I am nagging.

So here I am, feeling like my life is falling apart beneath me. I feel like I am running around here like a chicken with my head cut off. There are NEVER enough hours in any day for me to be able to get done all the stuff that I need to do, let alone want to do. I feel worse than Cinderella on most days. I will admit and think that it's safe to say I always have had that motherly bone in my body, where I am always so quick to take care of everyone. I'll also admit that it makes me feel good to be able to take care of those I care about and to make someone happy.

However there comes a time when doing things that make you feel good and even makes someone happy, then turns into having your love taken for granted and your actions being taken advantage of. Even with saying that, that doesn't necessarily mean that being taken advantage of or for granted is coming from a negative place.

I'm the one at fault for the fact that I allow things to get to that point because I feel like certain things should be so obvious. By not asking for help, I just take everything on by myself. That makes for those around me to get too comfortable in my doing many things which they should be doing themselves. I allow laziness from some. I allow things to get too comfortable, maybe even too easy. Then after so long, I get so much on my plate, I get so tired, overwhelmed, and frustrated that I then have a meltdown. Only then do I express my need for help during my meltdown.

By my own doing and allowing some of said actions and behaviors, I admit, it is my fault and I see why it's easy to be taken for granted. Again, I know that the feelings of being taken for granted, it's not from a negative place nor on purpose. Regardless of the facts and the feelings I have, none of it does anything to actually change things. I mean it has opened my eyes to see my errors and where I need to learn to use my voice and to not take on so much alone.

Just because I was out there alone for all that time, doesn't mean that I am alone now. I just need to figure out how to use my voice to ask for help and express my need for help and support, prior to any meltdown. I also need to think back to that quote while looking around at my life today. Most of what is seeming to get the best of me more and more these days, is absolutely NOTHING compared to what I have overcome in my life!

So, how do I get through without seeming like I am nagging? How do I learn to not put everything on my own plate? Hell, maybe I should ask if I am making any sense or am I the one who's just wrong and over exaggerating? After all, I did tell yall l feel like I am losing it!!