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Love & Money

Well, here I am. I don't know whether to be happy right now to be here writing or to feel exactly how I feel, crying as usual and let down. I am so - I don't even know how to explain how I am actually! I am already not motivated to do crap. I would rather lay in bed and not care about nothing or no one.

The reason being I guess deep down I already knew that I was going to get upset one way or another so why not stay in bed and try to avoid it from happening right? Yeah well, that didn't happen because what I always fail to remember is the bullshit going to find you no matter what. So I have to try to convince myself to not let the bullshit win over me. I also have to just wake up and realize that if I want anything in life I have to accept I'll only get it on my own.

I tend to think of myself as having an "old soul" when it comes to how to treat others, especially in relationships. There is no such thing as building together anymore. It's like you don't even see couples where there is a partner that will lift you up when you fall short. It's like relationships break down one another more than support like you may have seen generations back.

Love is not supposed to be something you compare and compete in to see if you're able to do better than your spouse. Love isn't supposed to leave you questioning your position. You're supposed to know you have someone to depend on who isn't going to put you down and make me feel like you're not enough to be with them, let alone in life. Love isn't supposed to leave you crying and questioning the reality of a lasting relationship.

As days go on, I am starting to think that there is no happily ever after. I feel some days more than others, that he's not in love with me like I am with him. That is if he truly is with me at all. I feel like I was more of a necessity for him at the time and that he only thinks about himself more than us as a whole. I don't expect him to cater to me or to buy me everything I want. But I mean damn, I would like him to do something for me once in a while because I am constantly doing it for him.

And again I'm not saying that something should be some gift; I’m just saying maybe you see I use last of the Tylenol, why not stop and pick up some and save me from having to make a trip out. Or while you're getting gas, surprise me with an energy drink. The point I'm trying to say is, it doesn't have to be something major to do for me, it can be a simple action that just shows that you were thinking of me and not just yourself.

I'm embarrassed to admit this but, I don't make the money needed to be able to afford his high dollar taste. Nor can I t buy the best of something. It's not supposed to be about the cost of something to show your care for someone. Isn't it the thought that counts? It's the little things that show how something reminded you of them, or how you remembered some detail of a story or memory they told you about. It's about showing someone how you feel and what they mean to you. Shit, it's just doing something that's freakin sweet! Lol.

Since before Christmas I had been telling my love how I wanted another Chromebook like the one I had that got ruined. He bought Allie one for Christmas and I was so hoping in the back of my mind he would get me one too. (trust me, it was way, way back of my mind because I already knew. I mean I’m not that naive.) I'd ask him to go shop for one with me but he never wanted to. Christmas came and went and I didn’t get one. That's fine because that's not what Christmas was about and I was happy with everything he got me because he did show he had listened and remembered what I said the night he asked what I wanted.

Anyways, I had some money and I was still wanting my laptop. There have been so many times I've wanted and needed one that I decided obviously the only way I was getting one if I did it myself. I asked my love one night if I gave him half upfront if he would put it on his credit card and let me pay it off before the bill was due. I mean he only has 4 that he doesn’t use and knows I make money. That was basically a laugh in my face by him and needless to say, it never happened nor did he ever go shopping for one with me. I even would screenshot different ones I was finding and send to him trying to at least get his opinion and approval.

Any form of involvement in doing something that had everything to do with me would just be nice. However, ya know what happened, I went and bought my own laptop. The one that I had picked out myself and went and got while he was at work, with all of my own money. Ya know I can't even get him to use it lol. Put a pool game on it for him and you would think the thing will give you the plaque or something if he touches it.

That's just the situation with the laptop. I have more situations that I can mention that are of times that he wouldn't do something with me flat out or would lay around until I finally get mad enough and just leave without him. Trust me I have plenty.

I can't figure out whether or not I am mad or more hurt. I know I am mad at myself probably more than I am mad at him though. I am mad that I am allowing this kind of energy to consume me. I am mad that I allow this kind of stuff to happen. I am mad that even though I know he's not going to do it for me I still go out of my way to do things for him.

It may be only in that present moment but doing for him makes me feel so happy and even proud. I am happy and proud that I am even capable of doing whatever it may be for him. I am happy and proud to have someone to even do something for because lord knows I have had a lot of time where I was unable to do anything for anyone including myself. And that alone is what I think is a big issue that weighs on my relationship with him.

My love has’ always had money. He's always worked whether it was some type of 9-5 type job or some other type of job. Shit, he has even done them both at the same time. The point is he has always worked and done fairly well. Therefore he has always been able to have anything he wanted when he wanted. That alone is also what I think causes a big problem in our relationship.

My love can have what he wants when he wants and I have to work my ass off to get what I want and even then I am lucky to get something close to if that at all. It doesn't make being with someone like him easy.

I made the joke back in September, “What do you get someone who is Boujee for their birthday?” I wasn't even with him as in a relationship yet and knew enough about him to know he had a particular taste in his fashion and anything else he liked and had. His taste, well truth be told is out of my price range. So trying to do something that was cute, showed my feelings for him and that hopefully would make him happy was beyond stressful for me.

Yet I set out to find the perfect gift. I ended up getting him a shirt that said “Essential” on it. To me, that seemed about right for him coming from myself. Essential’s meaning is to be “absolutely necessary; extremely important” and in my eyes, this man was both of those already. I then started that hunt for the perfect birthday card. I was trying to make a meaningful point while trying to keep it cute enough that it balanced out the mushy. Hell, I wasn't trying to scare him off when I was already scared I was never going to have anything more than what we already were at that time.

After reading a few dozen cards I had found the perfect card. Of course, it had to have cars on it and I made sure to add his nickname, Mr. Corvette.

Now the excitement began to build and I couldn't wait till he came to pick me up and how I got to be the person he was with for the start of his birthday. But good god let me tell you I was so nervous about giving him the gift that I literally didn't give it to him or even get it out until he had left to go get food! Once he got back and he saw it, I was so afraid he was going to think it was stupid and worried about what he was going to think about me afterward.

Just like I feel my writing is never good enough, I felt like my gift wasn't going to be good enough. He never gave me any idea as to the fact he didn't like it or that it wasn't good enough but way back there in that what if section the question will always remain.

So point being, he has certain criteria you can say that you must be aware of when it comes to my love's likes and dislikes as well as his lifestyle. He's all for high dollar department stores and I am happy to find a new “Love” shirt at the dollar store. He rather spends a lot of money on one item that is of the best and I like to take that same amount and buy LOTS of things that I need and could use.

Now with saying that, I don't go out and buy junk stuff either. I definitely bargain shop and look for what has the most of something or does the most. When you don't have the ability to have a lot or have to live on a tight budget, you learn to make everything you have count. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with how either of us live or I should say how we shop. One is just luckier, or maybe more privileged than the other.

What has to be important though is the acknowledgment of the differences between and accepting them rather than making them a problem. A problem that will only grow itself and cause other problems as well.

My love knows, or I assume he knows, I bust my ass for everything I do for all of us. He also should know that there is only so much I am capable of doing.

Anytime I can give him extra money I do so. I have paid for the room for a week multiple times. Hell, I paid what I pay a week here almost nightly at another hotel because I was afraid to tell him I couldn't afford it and needed to go somewhere else. I was afraid he would leave and leave me behind.

When the car I drive needed tires, I went and paid for brand new front tires and didn't ask for anything from him even though it's technically his car.

Stuff for the room, our personal hygiene, food, storage needs, whatever it may be. I don't ask him for any of it, I just do what I can every day.

When it comes to our laundry, I buy all the washing and drying necessities and I pay for the washing and drying and don’t ask him for money back on any of it.

The reason being, because I was raised to believe that when you are in a relationship there isn't a Mine and Yours, His or Hers. It's supposed to be about Us and Our home and our relationship. You build and grow as a team. You discuss things with one another and make decisions together. You are supposed to be able to see when someone may not be as capable of doing one thing you can step in and help while that person can do the same for you in return maybe in a different category.

Maybe I am just wishful thinking or maybe I'm just wrong, but I feel like this man I’m with should see what I do and how hard I try in doing everything I do. Maybe it's needy or wrong to say, I wish I could get some credit and appreciation for what I do from him.

But instead of everything I do, I am constantly thinking about how nothing is going to be good enough. I didn’t buy the right brand or type, I didn’t clean something good enough or the right way, my cooking is going to suck and taste horrible, I’m going to look stupid.

Bottom line, in my mind nothing is ever good enough or can ever meet Mr. Boujee's standards.

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