Live to Die
Sat today talking with my daughter via instagram. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to just talk to her having conversations that consisted of more than just yes or no answers. Our conversation today started off about Covid and vaccinations, then to us talking about life and how you never know what tomorrow may bring.
Over a week ago someone that I’ve come close to and that has been a father figure in my darling's eyes, was rushed to the hospital. This was after he had come home from the hospital just the day before. He was treated for only 4 days at most for Covid.
This loving man, also a stubborn man whom we all love, was not vaccinated. I laugh at the thought of him when someone tried to tell him that he had to put a mask on; he was having no part of it!
Now I’m not saying all this for anybody to comment on any part of what he should or should not have done, or for anyone to give their thoughts or opinion on this. When I write I feel some things just don’t make sense for my thoughts and feelings unless you have all the necessary details. And also I am a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason. There were reasons behind why he made those decisions and I feel in certain ways of my belief that God allowed him these decisions for a reason.
But back to what I'm trying to get out. This man was sent home after three days of having Covid and that never should’ve happened for situations that are not being discussed as well as the obvious. All of this led up to waking up the other morning to find out that he’s gone.
The evening that he went back into the hospital was the hardest thing to see. I am however grateful that I was there and briefly stood by his side to tell him for the last time that we were there and we love him. But in that same moment it's the hardest thing to have to remember as being the last time that I had seen him.
He was at home. Alone. And sent home by the hospital. Looking at things, if a hospital lets you go home you would think you’re going to be OK right? You would trust their judgment and practice wouldn’t you? You feel that they know well enough that it’s OK for you to be home because they wouldn’t send you home if you’re at risk, right? So anybody else would think or I should say wouldn’t be thinking that there’s anything to worry about. But it's there in that moment that you find out you never know what tomorrow may bring. You never know if when you say bye to someone that it may be the last time you say it to them.
Life gets busy. Life gets stressful. We all begin to live our lives and make our own little families and end up, I guess you could say being too busy. We become consumed in a life that we slowly drift from what and who our lives used to be consumed with. It’s not said and done in a negative way or in a way to say that we just don’t care about them, it’s just a part of life. But then when something happens we regret that we allowed ourselves to be so busy and took for granted the time we had and that we will no longer have.
I know I say this and probably everybody else agrees, when we were young all we wanted was to grow up and we could not wait to be adults. We rushed to get old. Now here we are, I’m just about to knock on the 40s door but I’m old enough now to see things differently.
I sit and tell my kids and I’ll tell my friend‘s children and one day I’ll tell my grandkids to just live life and don’t rush it. Being an adult is not all it’s cracked up to be. Life’s hard so we have to enjoy it while we can, every minute that we can because you never know when it may be the last.
I told my daughter that it is so weird to look back from when I was young to then see where I am today. To see the changes that allow me to be able to see things the way I do now. We rush to grow up to now wishing we could just slow it down. We live to get older and now we’re living to Die. We couldn’t wait to get older and now we’re just wishing to be younger to have more time. Again, that’s where it’s easy to see that we can so easily take the simple and important things for granted.
I’ll never get time back to spend with those I have lost. I’ll never be able to say the things I wished I said. I have to carry that for the rest of my life. I know I have to face the days of saying goodbye to more people I care about. But how do you prepare? Do you learn to accept the inevitable a little more later in life?
I’m terrified to think of saying goodbye to the most important people in my life. In a couple days we have to say our final goodbyes to our dear friend. I honestly don’t know how I am going to handle watching the man I love carry the man he cared about and respected, to his final resting place. This is a sadness I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
The more I talk with others or even just listen to others talk about having lost someone too soon in their life, the more often I hear about those we lost may have known they were dying. In a way it is amazing. I don’t know, that may not be the right wording or some may not understand what I mean. But I think it is in a sense amazing to think that someone could have known or felt that they were dying and still be able to handle themselves with strength and dignity. I’m sorry I guess until your in that position you can’t know what you would feel or do, but I personally think I would be an emotional mess.
Our dear friend's sister posted a picture yesterday of a book they found next to his recliner. This book was, “A Place called Heaven. 10 surprising truths about your External Home.” I cry seeing that because I think about how he knew this was coming, and we didn’t know. Thinking back to conversations he has had, it was like he was hinting around but we never caught on. Were we too consumed in our lives to not see? Or did he not want us to know? Why could he not tell us of his thoughts, dreams or fears? Why did he not prepare things for his life after being gone? Was he scared in his last days, or moments?
I will never know these answers. I know there’s still going to be hard days ahead and more questions to be left unanswered. There will come the day however, when I will find a little peace in his resting. I know we will be okay.
I know this kind of pain will come again, death is inevitable. You never know what tomorrow may bring so we have to make changes before it’s too late again. We have to take a little more time for what and who is important. Don’t let life rush you by. Live with no regrets. And absolutely love to the fullest. Because again, you never know what your tomorrow may bring.
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