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It's Suffocating

I thought after my initial post about everything weighing on me, that I would actually feel better, you know like a ton of bricks being lifted off me. I should’ve known better because the closer we have gotten, the worse it seems to get for me. It is almost suffocating and like I have these unbelievably overwhelming knots in my stomach. I just can’t figure out how to wrap my head around all this. I can’t figure out what to feel about this. I can’t even figure out how to even talk to him about this.

Thankfully when I wrote my first blog when we had received that dreaded mail, I really expressed how I felt about the entire situation. I really got out how it made me feel. In a lot of uncomfortable situations or heck anytime I am afraid of what kind of response I might get for saying something, I turn to my writing. I've got that courage hiding behind a screen because I say what I need to without getting nervous, being interrupted, or misunderstood before getting everything out. This whole situation is a prime example of such a time!

Just as before, there are so many questions going through my mind all day every day. Since my initial post, my darling has finally found my famous blogs. I was briefly caught off guard when he said something to me one day, quoting one of my sentences when we were talking. My face had to be priceless! Even though I know he has read that blog and he definitely knows how I had been feeling at that time, I still cannot find a way to talk to him now about everything running through my head.

I keep making excuses as to why I won't talk to him about it. Is it that I want to convince myself that I don't have to believe anything is happening if I don't talk about it or address it? Just keep it out of sight out of mind. Am I really just afraid of what I might hear if we do talk about it? I've also realized that I am afraid that if we do talk about this and he continues to tell me the same thing, and then it comes back like I truly feel this test will, I am just going to be angry at him for lying to me the whole time. Like I have already said I can't get mad for something that happened before we were together. What I can and will get mad about, is being treated like I'm stupid.

I think what is just getting me the most, is I did something I should not have ever done. Surprise, surprise huh lol. I knew before I did this, it would only make matters worse. After being sick of myself because of my own nagging thoughts, I grabbed a few pictures of my darling recently, as well as years back. Then I did the same thing, getting recent and also a few years back of his only biological child. You already know, my damn ass made some of those dreaded side-by-side‘s of my darling and the alleged child and of his daughter and the alleged child. Or should I say her half-sister?

It truly makes a pit in my stomach because this child looks dead on his daughter. His only biological child, well that is at least until the test comes back. I feel like I should be standing up in front of the audience on Maury pointing out all the reasons why "You are, the Father." These kids have his ears, the kids have the same button noses. I mean it’s just freaking crazy how many signs point to this coming back his then there are signs saying it's not. And he still says it says that it’s not his.

I keep trying to convince myself to just send the pics to him since apparently, he hasn't done a side-by-side of things. But it's just as it is when it comes to talking to him, I just can't do it. I guess I also have basically decided not to push it because of the whole getting mad thing. So listen, I have been in my feelings about this situation and have had that pent-up emotional mess dying to unload on him. Well, the only way I could let it be known I'm stressed over this without talking about it, is by making little jabs here and there about it. Someone mentions how his old Corvette had to have been a chick magnet...I come back with, "yeah sure was and now there's a DNA test because of it." That's not how this whole situation came about, it's just the perfect opportunity for me to be extra and throw jabs. (Sorry babe I know I shouldn't say things like that or hit you with those jabs, it's uncalled for and I really love you, babe.)

Back to the point, so the only form of talking about this between my darling and I has basically just been when I make some smart-ass comment. Well, one of the times I took that jab, just as he has done times before, he says it's not his. I don't know what came over me or how exactly I did it but all I know is I finally found a way to say how I didn't know if that is true because the pictures sure say otherwise and that the girls look dead alike. Now, this is where the whole final nail in the coffin came for me and I officially decided to accept what my future was looking to be. The reason being, correct me if I am wrong but I know that if someone is trying to say I did something and I have time and time again declared that I did NOT, regardless of what they continuously tried to say, if I know 100% I didn't do it then I'm never gonna stop saying I didn't do it! This time with my darling he never tried to claim his innocence and hasn't actually at all since either. Which leaves me asking myself, what does that say about things now and why though?

So now here we are. Tomorrow is the big day. Then I get to sit just as I have been since that dreaded mail came, making myself crazy since I can't get out of my own emotional head. I imagine at some point before this test happens, I will finally make sure that the pictures are seen. I am going to hope and pray that I am completely wrong in how I truly believe the results are going to be. God how I pray I am wrong! But more importantly, I am going to plead with God, my guardian, the fairy godmothers, whoever will listen at this point in my life, and ask that they please let us survive through this because I really do love this man. I just need to know. Hell, can the truth just set us free - from this situation though, I don't mean each other! SMH Lol.

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