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In the Still of the Night

The Still of the Night



I don’t know if it’s just me or if others get the same way, but when something is bothering me or if I have a disagreement or fight at home, I have to get out and away from the house. A better description is actually like I have to escape the house. I’m not trying to escape from the person or people at the house, really to be honest I’m trying to escape from myself.


When something is heavy on my mind, it doesn’t matter what I do, it’s running through my every thought, every move, in every room, everywhere. Then add being inside the house, well you might as well imagine it would feel like being trapped and all the walls are closing in. These walls aren’t closing quick either, they are fast enough to know they are coming for you and slow enough for you to torture yourself.


You probably think it all sounds crazy. Or hell, you're actually probably thinking I am crazy. I won’t argue either one. Maybe it’s a Scorpio thing, or maybe it’s just the life I was raised in, but one thing and curse is for sure, I am an over-thinker. Sometimes it’s a good thing, but more times than not I can say it’s a bad thing.


When I get upset and something is wrong, my mind gets into a roadrunner level of thinking and overthinking. There begins to be so much mentally and then emotionally that I start to feel like I’m suffocating. Like I’m trapped and all the walls are closing in because there are so many thoughts and emotions coming at me. All coming at me faster than I can seem to process. Then, I’m suffocating. (I guess this is what they actually call a panic or even an anxiety attack huh.)


Now that I am in panic mode because it feels like the walls are close enough to touch, I am ready to run. I want to run until I can breathe. I want to run until it all makes sense. I want to run until all the thoughts, what ifs, why’s and how’s go away. I just want to be free from everything, just so I can take a deep breath and feel like I have some type of control of my thoughts, feelings and most of all life.


It's like I am in a panic to get some type of grip on things. To at least feel like I have some type of grip on my life. I don't take off just to bring or even add more drama to the situation. I definitely do not take off to have someone chase me, even though deep down I just want that one person to come grab me up and hold me until I take that breath that finally says I am okay.


As much as I want someone to tell me it's all going to be okay, I also just want to drive. There is nothing more freeing than just driving down the open road with no end in sight. The road that just keeps going, giving you time to breathe while you feel the breeze as you drive into the night. And there is nothing more peaceful and humbling than to just sit under the night sky, listening to crickets, taking in the calm that surrounds you in the still of the night.


I’ve never sat and explained any of this to anyone. Probably not the best decision that I’ve made either. Now that I have sat here writing this, I can see a little as to how things could look from another's point of view. When I have the overbearing need to escape, it comes off as me running from my problems, or even running off to make problems. But those are so far from being the case that it’s not funny. All I can do is blame myself though because who would know with my lack of communication over the subject.


Some of you may know me but never knew this about me. Some may come to know me one day and hopefully will take more time in getting to know me if they have a chance to read this. Or better yet, maybe some of you know of someone in your life who has actions similar to mine, whom you can better understand and be there for now after reading this. Whomever you find going through something or feeling like they have lost all control, please just be patient and take time to listen. There could be a cry for help in there that is being overlooked.


It may be hard to see but I really am trying my best to be better each day. But sometimes, I just need to go for a drive.




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3 Comments


Sllim Ydnar
Sllim Ydnar
Jan 19, 2022

Scorpio shit, twin.

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Sllim Ydnar
Sllim Ydnar
Jan 19, 2022
Replying to

Youuu knowwww!!!

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