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I see it Clearly

Updated: Apr 7, 2021

I see it clearly and still, I can't understand it


I don't know if it's an age thing for why I think like I do anymore about a lot of things, or if it is like being on the outside looking in now so my opinion and view is different. Whatever reason it may be, I just have such a different outlook and even understanding of so many in my life.


I have people whom I have been friends with since childhood, that I still have some type of relationship with and who have also seen me go through some of the hardest and worst times in my life. I have many who have turned their backs completely on me, I may have deserved some cases but not all, I truly don't think many were fair. I have a few others who are still in my life but are more of an acquaintance than a friend. Again, my actions did lead me there.


No matter how hard or how bad things really got in my life, nothing could ever be bad enough for anyone to give me any type of help whatsoever. Not to sound like a broken record, but yeah I know I played my own part in things. And I guess I can't say there was nobody there to help me at my worst because my mom did come through bringing me things out of their cupboard they could go without and she did help me get to the doctors. But to get me off the street or away from the hell I lived, everyone only managed to keep me in that hell.


Oh, and please, let me stress this so I don't confuse the explanation of people I am talking about. This definitely is not the case with everyone I have had in my life from the time I went on the street in Middletown!! My struggle family may be small but the ones who have had my back more times than not while on the street, you all are exempt from this blog because I know I have had the support and will continue to get the harsh truth when you may not agree with my decisions yet still you have my back regardless. I would not be here if it wasn't for you all.


Now back to everyone else that was not part of my Struggle Family. As I said I got no help whatsoever regardless of how bad it was sleeping in the street and going without. Okay, I see you guys and what you're doing, giving me that tough love way of learning from my actions. I took the tough love and all the additional emotional and mental problems it caused and got mad enough that I refused to give up.


Now here I am today, stronger than ever and out of that life, I was trying for so long to get away from. I did it all alone (with my Struggle Family yes) with not a single family member or so-called lifelong friend in my life or there to help or support of any kind. Without them I changed my own life into a life better than I ever imagined would be capable, especially in just a year of being out. I was no longer homeless and in the streets wondering how I am going to make it through another night.


You would think that would mean something to the family and the lifelong friends. You would think that someone would be happy for me. Yet even today, when I talk to one of them, all I get is the impression they are disappointed to see that I am not failing anymore in my life. No positivity or praise is given at all.


I mean I'm not asking for a gold star or for all to be forgiven. I understand I once made the right choices in life and lived a life that everyone else approved of and then once again, messed my whole life up, which cost me all trust. But for the love of God, when is enough enough? I know I have to earn all the trust back with each person. Can I get a sliver of the benefit of the doubt here? How long do I have to be outcasted by my own family?


And when can my friends just be happy with me being happy? You don't have to live where I live but be grateful I'm off the streets for the first time in years! You don't have to be best friends with who I am with, just because you're my best friend. But be thankful I found someone to truly love me, instead of someone that takes everything from me and tears me down to nothing like all the others!


Do you know what I have come to realize clearly as day now? It's that I truly don't care! I don't care what anyone thinks when it comes to MY life. I am beyond grateful and blessed for where I am today, especially compared to where I was a year ago. I have never loved someone so deeply in my life when I had sworn I had known what love was already. Boy had I been wrong about love.


So again, the only feelings that are important are mine. I don't want anyone to know how I feel because I don't want to share this feeling with anyone else. I never want to lose the way I feel. Therefore it doesn't matter how anyone feels about my life, about what I am doing when they have not been there to support me in any way.


Nobody comes close to making me feel the way I do now, nor is anyone worth me giving any of this up for. I love myself for the first time in a long time, if not for the first time in my life. I love who I have become even on the bad days. And I love my love more than life itself and will continue to love longer than the life I will ever live. It's sad that I'm just not allowed to share this life with anyone other than my Struggle Family.




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2 commentaires


Sllim Ydnar
Sllim Ydnar
07 mars 2021

#strugglefamily

I wish I had one. Be grateful for the few that you have, I literally have none. I'm happy to think I may be apart of yours tho. You know, so long as I have somewhere to lay my head, so do you.

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Lovey Shivers
Lovey Shivers
07 mars 2021
En réponse à

You should never have to ever 2nd guess your place in my life! You have been more solid, real, n more loyal than prob any of them. I always know if I need a place to escape, something done with a car, or anything in general fixed, n assistance from my guru - there no one else I ever call. N you know if there’s anything I can do and will or a way I’m gonna damn well make it happen for u. I mean what else are scorpio twins for? So yea ur more than my street support n more than struggle / street family to me!!

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