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I look Grumpy

Updated: Apr 2, 2021

Can I just go back to sleep and start this day over? better yet can I fast forward to a future date? At this point, I just wanna do anything that will make me forget this feeling. My darling says I look grumpy, I’d love to know what he thinks it is I should look and feel like...So maybe a quick blog will help me with everything that’s weighing on my heart keeping me like this.

Thankfully I managed to sit back and think about things for a day and really got to go over them to myself before I decided to really say anything about what’s going on. I’m really trying to get down this thinking before I speak or even thinking before I write and post LOL. But anyways.

I have been seeing my darling basically on and off for about 10 months now. We have been officially together for 6 months as of this coming week. Of course, just like every relationship goes the beginning was amazing, and then it was just like the saying goes “the honeymoon’s over.” We have had our bumps in the road, to say the least, but overall it’s still been a great relationship. No matter what’s happening I have never loved this man any less. If anything I’ve only come to love him even more. Which I think is why it’s been like a blow to the gut with our most recent bump in the road.

So I don’t know but I must be absolutely crazy to be putting my life out here like this. If anybody truly knows me you already know what my life is. I hide no secrets. I feel like my story has a purpose and that there’s probably somebody out there who can relate to some of what I go through and my story alone could possibly help someone in some way. Shoot I hope that I might even find someone who has already gone through something I may be going through or that can relate to which they could be someone who could help me. The point being, I let my story out. But shush we just won't tell my darling LOL

Anyways here’s just the gist of things. We go out to breakfast like we do to have our waffle house every Sunday with a friend of my darlings. Well, this lovely man brought a piece of mail for my darling, and let's just say to my extreme surprise and much dislike my darling has an appointment to have a DNA test because he’s listed as an alleged father. This is to a child that we obviously don’t know. I was completely speechless at this whole thing. I mean how could I be mad because this is obviously before he and I got together because the child is 9-10 months old now. Looking at the math it’s not like he stepped out of our relationship and conceive a child because then yeah I probably would’ve killed him LOL.

Anybody who knows me knows I love babies so I will have no problem welcoming the baby if for some reason it was his. I’ve enjoyed having the time that I have with darling's youngest daughter too. I am not one to ever treat a child but as part of my own family.

But seeing that piece of mail was like a blow to my soul. I think it's safe to say my breakfast and well my day was basically over at that point. I didn't finish breakfast and as soon as I got home I went back to sleep. Once I finally managed to get up, I couldn't get out of the house quick enough. Every time I looked at him, all I could think about was the possibility of him having another child and ultimately having baby momma drama. We all know that we don't go out looking for the drama when it comes to the baby mommas but the fact is there is always some type of drama when you have a baby momma. And lord knows I've had enough drama. ie the evil stepdaughter, and well hell my exes have given enough proof of the statement.

It boils down to this, my darling is still technically married even though he has been separated from this woman for over 20 years. Yes, that is correct, I’m not exaggerating the number at all. I can't seem to understand why either one doesn't seem to want to get a divorce after all this time. Both obviously in other relationships and there's nothing to fight for in a divorce, so what are we waiting for? At the end of the day, I am not saying that I want to go plan a wedding with my darling anytime soon, but I am hoping to one day be married happily ever after. As it stands, that spot is filled when it comes to my darling's life.

Then we can look at the parenting aspect with my darling. I have kids of my own, growing at that. I've always joked why would I ever start over now!? My darling has kids of his own. Two of them are not his biological but he has been an amazing man and raised them as his own since they were little and they are now adults. With their mom, he had his only biological, pending this case, who is not even in her teens yet. Being the new girlfriend or becoming any form of a caregiver or stepparent even, is far from easy. The drama and disrespect and just everything that comes via my darlings daughters is heartbreaking and exhausting. So add that I can't have any more kids myself so therefore, having kids with my darling is out of the question. There's another spot that I can't fill when it comes to my darling's life.

I may be looking at things that aren't even anything that worries about, or overreacting, whatever you might want to say it is, but the bottom line is I feel like I have no place with this man who I am so in love with. I can't be a wife, I can't carry his child, and I can't even have a place with his own family, so where do I stand? What's going to happen if this child did come to be his? Where is that going to leave us? What's this baby momma expecting from him other than money, and how is she going to take to me? How are the other kids going to feel? Are they going to accept this child or they going to be like they are to me? Is that baby going to treat me like his other kids?

All these questions aren't even all the questions that are constantly running through my mind on a daily basis. Before that mail was opened, I was already having enough crap being thrown at me but someone thought I could withstand some more to be thrown, with some force, right at me. When will my life finally just be a happy, stress-free, loving, content life? I mean is there even such a thing? Will I even ever have a life remotely close to the one I have dreamed to have?

Well, I guess we won't really know anything until after this test. So, I guess this is, to be continued.

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