Effort

I stay writing blogs in my head, all day every day. lol I think “oh I could write about this, I can say all that, it would be a really good blog” but yet it never makes it to paper. The whole time as I am doing that process in my head, I’m also thinking about what somebody would think of it or what someone else might have to say. I definitely let my fear of everyone’s opinions and their judgment take more control in everything I do way more than it should. With that being said,  I don’t know how I really want to write this, or better yet how I really want to word this. That’s the real struggle right now.

I know in the past I have written about Valentine’s Day. Anyone that knows me and I mean truly knows me, knows that today is my favorite day of the year. For as long as I can remember I have always been obsessed with Valentine’s Day. Obsessed with all the hearts,  the word love and all the sweet sayings. I have always said my name and the fact it has the word Love in it, that’s the real reason why I’ve had an obsession with all of it.

I miss the days when we got to decorate old shoe boxes as our valentine mailbox. And I miss the days when the toughest decision I had to make was which design of valentine cards I wanted for my classmates.

Then you get older and Valentine’s Day changes too. Instead of getting to decorate a shoebox you just get to empty your wallet. lol Valentine’s Day was now the opportunity to spoil whomever your crush was lucky enough to be on your favorite day.

Now, here we are after many crushes, boyfriends, and fiancé’s Valentine’s Day is still my favorite day. I’m always super excited to see all the pink and red decorations come out after New Year’s. The fun of shopping can officially begin.

Now, this is where everything that I feel I need to say is starting to get into a jumbo mess. I am going over and over in my head, the right wording and point to get a cross because I don’t want anything to be taken the wrong way. The fact that I have to say that, well that more than likely says somebody’s going to take the wrong way, or get butt hurt. Oh well, here we go. 

So regardless of the holiday, or the reason why, gifts are supposed to be meaningful and come from the heart. When you see something, and you instantly think of that person, then it’s meant for them. There has to be at least in my opinion, some meaning and purpose, and reason behind a gift that you give.

Gifts aren’t about finding the most expensive item or even the latest newest must have to come out. Now hell if you see something and it’s expensive or it just came out and you think of your person and you know that they would just really enjoy it then Yeah that’s the gift you need to get. But if your just shopping amlesy and pick the most expensive gift just to say you picked it,  than NO sorry, thats not the right gift. 

While I have the nickname “Boujee” and may have one wall of just Michael Kor purses and one of just Coach bags. Boujee or not, I don’t require something expensive. I can say I truly love any gift that shows time and thought with it.  The options are endless; you can hand carve something, paint a picture or even make a necklace out of spaghetti noodles! Just seeing the love and the time that was put into something like that, that is what’s important!  That is what is cherished! It shows the thought, it shows the time taken and it shows the effort someone has taken with you in mind!

In the time of being with my darling, I have started many collections for him. We started with watches, to now collecting belt buckles and then my favorite, Jack Skellington. For maybe the last month I started collecting even more for his collection, all for his Valentine’s Day. 

I found the plush Jack and Sally stuffed dolls, and all I could think was here we are. I swear this man loses his keys or some keys monthly, so I found a Jack Skellington lanyard. Of course, I had to add not only to the JS collection but I added to the watch collection by finding a new JS pocket watch for him. My favorite parts of his gift though were all the metal signs I found with different JS quotes on each one. I can’t remember what the final number was but I know each one played some part in my heart and mind for my darling. 

My darling and I have the problem of not being able to keep something such as a gift from the recipient because we get way too excited. So, of course, my darling got his gifts early. I made the mistake and slipped up not having the watch put up because I was going to wrap it, but he came home sooner than I had expected and found it. The other stuff, I told him to go ahead and open. I felt like we needed to get that feeling of love and appreciation back to life, I thought maybe he would remember how much I cared and thought of him by seeing his gifts.

So now, Fast forward.  It's the eve of Valentine’s Day. My weak ass gave my darling his gifts already so it’s only right that I make sure he has something to say Happy Valentines Day, right?! Doing what I love to do, I hurried to my darling's work and left him a card with a special note written inside and also left a box of chocolate that said ”I Love You” on his windshield. I think there is nothing better than coming out to your car after work to find notes and surprises. Maybe it’s just me but that would make my whole day right there! 

Well let me spare the details of my pointless ramble and just get right to the point now. So when my darling got off work, before he even left his job he obviously found his surprise. I figured I would get a message saying something like thanks, or i love you, but no. The first thing he texts thirty minutes later was, “Do you want anything from UDF?” lol I think I saw red at that point and honestly that's a whole separate blog regarding the UDF and then you would understand. 

So fast forwarding again, he finally comes home and when I get out of the shower he gives me a hug and I think a kiss, saying how he got his card and chocolates. At some point in the night he said he had to go in the morning to pick mine up. Well little did I know just what that meant, and my dumb ass should have known better. 

As usual we sleep till afternoon. As soon as I saw what time it was I said, well so much for Valentines Day. It was already getting close to time for him to get ready to go to work so I knew there was no going to eat nor him going anywhere to pick up something for me. Well so I thought! Lol 

My darling got up and said he would be right back. He wasn't gone too long before he came back with a card, big heart shaped box chocolates and a giant pink Flamingo.  Now I mentioned earlier it isnt the cost of the gifts by no means. Its about the thought that someone put into the gift. Anyone that knows me knows that other than “love” and “V-day” I absolutely love pink flamingos. So getting this big one, YES I LOVED IT! It's just the overall getting it that rubs me wrong. 

Just like my birthday, Valentines Day comes on the same date every single year. We all knew this day was coming up. Hell I had his gifts for weeks sitting out wrapped waiting for this day. Even though we knew this day was coming, my darling had to go the morning of to Walgreens to get me a card and gift. If I would have woke up that morning to see that card and Flamingo, I never would have felt like I do now. But no, the fact that just like my birthday, I was no more important than going the morning of to Walgreens to grab something. Why? 

There is absolutely no effort in anything anymore. Call me a bitch, or say I'm selfish or whatever you would like, but he used to go and surprise me with a new purse or date night. Often! Now I am only worth last minute Walgreens gifts. There is no thought put into anything anymore. There is no effort in doing anything anymore. How can I sit here and try over and over for us and do for him every chance I can or oppoirunity I can, when I dont get the same in return? 

I hope everyone else had a great day of love. I hope nobody else is sitting there after reading my rambling blog thinking how I'm not alone in feeling hopeless. 

Guess I just need to brush it off and keep on keeping on.

There's always next year right?