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Dear Lovey

Updated: Apr 7, 2021

**Editors Note: This letter was written by Lovey during her time in the halfway house in 2019. An update to the life Lovey has will be given for you. Also please refer to the blog, 1 Year for an update as well.

Dear Lovey,

I've been here for hours thinking about this letter and what to say or better yet where to begin. I joked that this letter would be a novel but in all actuality, it's the neverending story. So much has happened in your life. So many milestones, memories, and plenty of nightmares.

In exactly a week you are going to be 36 years old. It's been rough getting there and I'm glad to see you made it through quite a few close calls. I need you to go another 36 years at least ok.

Right now it's like a dream to see how much has changed and how much is still happening for you. You think it's almost too good to be true. You're afraid to be happy in case it disappears like everything in your past has. But you can't keep living in fear or the memories of your past.

Look at what you have overcome. Do you really want to live that street life, sleep in the dead of winter on a sidewalk again? Have everything you own to fit in something as small as a book bag (which still is too big) because your so-called friends or their friends all continue to steal everything you own just to geek off for drugs or even keep for themselves because they have nothing either.

You have always worked and had to struggle in a sense, but you managed to keep a place of your own, car, materialistic, and your family. We would always figure it out. Yet something was always pulling you to a dark space. You were trying to fill a void, to be liked and loved by someone. You wanted so bad that you took what you thought was love from the first ones that gave it. You were and still are so loving, devoted, and giving. You put everyone before you and love hard. Anyone is lucky to have love from you and it's hard to find someone like you.

Most took your heart and kindness and used it to benefit their lives in a horrible way. You lost your way after heartbreak 2014. A rebound that was supposed to be only that, took that weakness, and the Lovey we all knew was gone. One by one your homes, cars, jobs, friends, family, and babies were gone. Lovey and her life were gone because of a rebound and heroin.

Days went from good to bad and working back to good. The Lovey we knew hated the life she was in. She wanted to change - to stop using, to work, to have her family back. And you were trying. You left rebound and that town behind, worked 2 jobs, even had your baby girl by your side. Even had the most money you ever saved in your own bank account. Lovey was almost back and maybe better.

Like any addiction it stays haunting you in the dark waiting and with it was rebound. It waited till you were happy and ready to talk to someone new. It brought rebound back with stories of how much he missed you, how bad he needed you. He talked about how he messed everything up but he loves you and wants to show you it differently. So goodbye Lovey, rebound, and addiction have come to stay.

For 4 years it was all about living day to day, each day was only about how to be high or at least not sick. The only good in these days was that you finally dropped rebound for good. Now just needed to do the same for the dope.

After 4 long wasted years, you had enough. You figured out how to get off dope. But you hadn't figured out how to not have your heart vulnerable or how it was okay to be alone. Now instead of chasing a dope high, you're chasing the need to be liked, loved, and wanted by someone. People would call and you'd go running. They need this you gave it. They need that you had it. You thought they were truly your friends and really wanted you out with them all hours day and night.

Guess what though, it cost you your home, family, and kid again. Then it was your car and everything you had but the clothes on your back. Days and nights came and went, doing whatever to get through. You ran with all kinds of people and even fell for a guy who did show you how to make it in the street life, as well as how to lose it all. In a way, he also saved your life a few times and neither of you saw any of it.

You got a call one night that they got him, they being the police. You flew across town and hid in an alley crying and watching the police clear the house. You actually cried for days. Your heart was broken. The one who made sure you had a place to sleep, something to eat each day, gas, and even some drug of your request was now gone and with your heart.

It was back to numbing the pain, staying here or there, making little moves for “friends” just to eat, have a place to go, or a little cash. The one you love was gone but he did leave something behind - his street skills and they started playing back.

First, they were away just to remember him and then as a way to learn from him. Slowly you started a little here little there. More people knew you could get what they craved, which meant the more money you started getting. More money meant a bigger pack. Next thing you knew you were back with a place to stay, huge closet of clothes, tatts, out having fun - Damn lovey was happy.

She figured out how to instead of using a drug to feel better to instead sell a drug to make money and be happy. Each day she thought how thankful she was for that prisoner she loved who saved her in different ways. She always wished he could have felt the same but to her having him in her life was better than not having him at all.

A wise man once told Lovey, anything that you get fast can be lost just as fast. As history repeats itself, Lovey lost it all again. Even worse than anytime before. She even lost her life 5 times. No home, no family, no food, no job, and of course I forgot to tell you the legal issues caught up and warrants made it impossible to change. You know it's bad in life when you die and become angry to have been saved.

6 years into struggling, alone, hopeless, emotionally and physically broken the only thing to fix it all was to die. Now there's been so much bad that isn't mentioned here, I mean we'd be here for days. The overall picture is clear that life was a horrible nightmare and all you saw to do was make #6 the last time.

May 8, 2019, you were out riding with one of the guys and he took off leaving you at 1:00 am alone, with nothing and nowhere to go. That was it for you. You made a call and had lined up a shot of dope with Lovey on it. You even told a few goodbyes, at least you thought.

As you're about to take off you are stopped by 12, Middletown's finest, of all people. You briefly thought of running, then to lie about who you are, and then again to run. But you were too damn tired physically, mentally, and emotionally. You wanted them to take you because then you could sleep and be warm. You went to jail, to CCJ, and then still in shock you even went to prison. And nobody even knew.

It's been hard but it wasn't as hard as some of those nights in Middletown. God stepped in that May night and said enough is enough. He tried to wait for you to figure it out yourself but if he hadn't stepped in you wouldn't be turning 36 in a week. Each day is a new day. You are still learning how to love yourself, to forgive yourself, and to be patient in waiting for those you lost by your actions to learn how to trust you and see that it's a new Lovey. To see this new Lovey who isn't going to walk out and leave them again.

During this lock up you have been locked down to focus on yourself. It allowed you to fix the legal problems - no longer having to look over your shoulder. You have an ID and social security card and finally, have a real job again. You have a part-time job and maybe starting a full-time one doing what you love - management. You have achieved every goal other than a home. It's in your future finally after all these years.

I'm telling you all this because I need you to remember how bad life was. How unhappy you were and how you wanted to die so badly. Think of all the time lost of your babies growing up. Even think about all the friends who you lost. If they aren't locked up they are dead. This can be you again with a blink of an eye.

So please girl please, look at how amazing you have felt achieving the goals you have. How amazing it is having a place to sleep each night, 3 meals a day, showers, no pending cases, a job, and your mom back. You even have long-lost friends, who are telling you how great you're doing, for the first time in 6 years.

You can't stop now because you have so much more coming your way. And you definitely can't give up because that guy who you lost and had taken your heart - well he's holding it safely and is going to bring it home to you with his. That will be the next letter and probably the best yet.

Happy Birthday!

Welcome home, it's been far too long….

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