A Rough Week

Can I just take a second and share my overdue snap real quick? I mean I really have been holding back so much I have been wanting to write about. But why? I thought my whole point behind all my writing and for this whole "Loveys Lessons" was for me to be able to express everything going on in my head. It's supposed to be putting things down on paper to release them from my head and heart.

I know the process works because I know for certain that once I get to writing and get everything out, just for myself, I feel so much better afterward. I'm not just sitting there in my head, dwelling on things. I have almost a sense of relief, like a ton of bricks has been lifted from me, all because I have finally just let go of everything bothering me. I can even have more clarity on the overall picture of things because by writing I can work through things myself and make it all make sense, or at least some type of sense. But, why am I sitting here second-guessing myself and my writing, or even putting it off?

I have been told for years I need to put my story out there. So I finally took a leap of faith and started sharing my writing with the world to see. I took baby steps in the beginning, limiting who knew or was able to see my writing. Now I guess you can say I'm a running toddler letting anyone across the United States read all about the life of Lovey. Now if only I could just get my big girl panties on and not be so worried about what I write because of how someone else may think or feel. This is supposed to be my therapy right?

This has just been a hard week. My "boujee brat" that I have put a lot of love and money into, is sitting in a field. It's been getting worked on every night for the last 7 nights. I have spent so much money lately on parts that I feel like it's only a few away from being a brand new 1997 Mustang GT. For as much money spent, there has been just as much time spent working on it from a friend and also by my love, both of whom I am forever grateful for. I would NEVER have been able to do even half of what I have done if I had to take it to the shop. Which makes me mad at myself for how frustrated this whole deal has made me. I wish I was able to do so much more so I didn't have to ask anyone for any help. I'd be out there right now if I knew there was something I could be doing to get it back home.

I hate that there are so many unknowns still with my car. Like when will it be fixed? Is it even able to be fixed? Then I get on myself, thinking how I was so stupid to put so much into it to possibly be out so much money. Why did I have to let how proud I was to have my own car again, and my license legit, and the ability to make something that actually belonged to me nice, to only be looking at it sitting looking like a bag of money out there in the field.

It doesn't take long in my self-pity party and kicking myself while down before I slap reality back to me and realize that I need to stop stressing so much and be grateful. What happens to the Lovey that was looking at the glass half full rather than half empty? I have been in such a negative and depressed mood, bottling everything up to point of breaking over nothing. I went a long time not crying more than smiling, and now I cry over something as simple as forgetting a password. It's like the fog of gloom was making it almost impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, things totally freakin sucked when my car wouldn't start back up that night. It's been disappointing every night I have to leave my car behind when it's time to go home. It is stressful, to say the least when I have to go to another parts store and spend money faster than what is coming in. But get the hell over that bullshit Lovey!

I'm supposed to be the Boujee Brat, not Crybaby Brat! I need to remember how blessed I truly am because even though I have been leaving my baby behind every night when I go home, I have still been going home in my other car. Even though we have had to go out there every night to work on it, I'm lucky to have my own personal mechanic (or 2) in my life which is saving me well more than the amount I have been stressing overspending at the parts stores too!

Even though I feel stuck not having my baby, I'm not. Night 7 has come and gone and still only have more money spent on my field baby. But I'm going to hold onto some faith that I will one day have my car back. I know that regardless of things, I am still blessed to have everything I have today and be where I am. I am going to try harder to keep telling myself that all day every day. Just know while I am frustrated, mad, aggravated, teary-eyed, and ready to tear off everyone's head, I am truly sorry for what I may take out on you. As I said, this has just been a bad week, and it's more than just my car.

Please pray for me.