Rant

Rant 

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I really hope everybody is starting their day off happy and ready to take on the world. I myself just thought I needed to take a moment to get some things off my chest, so I don’t have a complete crap of a day. This hopefully “quick rant” should do the trick.

I’ve calmed down a lot within the past hour, so things shouldn’t sound like they’re coming from a dirty sailor lol. But anyways, this is what I have going on… 

Relationships suck. Relationships and social media suck. Relationships and cell phones suck. Relationships and cars suck. (I know these things don’t necessarily suck and it's just all of it and how they are played out in my life is what sucks lol.) But also, I think people who lie to me, or try to play me stupid suck too.  And the biggest thing that sucks, is always feeling like anything that is important to me or that I need always comes last and is never a concern for anybody other than myself. 

I am always the one who is thinking of others. Whether it’s a birthday or anniversary, I’m thinking about it on more days than just the day of. When I know there’s something that somebody likes, I love nothing more than to get it and surprise that person just to make them happy. When I know there’s something that’s needed, I’m gonna do everything I can to get it. And if it’s something that needs fixed, I’m gonna do everything I can to help make sure it gets fixed. I keep saying that relationships are not the same anymore as they were back in the day. Maybe I’m crazy for thinking relationships are supposed to be two people doing anything like I just mentioned. Maybe that’s all a thing of the past and relationships aren’t really what I think they are supposed to be.  

So a couple weeks before Christmas, I was asked what I wanted. It took a little time to think about, but I knew what I wanted more than anything so I sent my boo my Christmas list. The first thing that I asked for was for a vehicle that I could walk outside and get in at any time, any day, that didn’t require having to jump first or put air in the tires. I wanted and needed so badly something that is reliable and safe. I’ve been saying for months that these two things alone are of the highest importance because I have a grandson that I have to keep safe, as well as my own life, especially after the situation that happened to me in DaBouj. 

The second thing I said I would like was his choice of 4 purses that I liked from Kate Spade and Michael Kors. I was even trying to be helpful by posting the pictures of the ones that I liked the most. Shit,  I even picked the cheapest ones! lol I don’t want some expensive gift, I’d truly just like to get something that was personally picked out for me by someone I care about. 

The last thing that I asked for was to have all the social media accounts cleaned up, removing all the inappropriate females who claim to be escorts or who don’t care to be home wrecking whores. And I said this last request was non negotiable because I am so sick of the disrespect and “cheating” or “talking” or whatever bullshit it has been, that has also occurred multiple times in the past. If your going to tell me nothing is going on, then you have to show me nothing is going on. All this social media and phone bullshit has always remained the same, and nothing ever changes. So again if your gonna say there’s nothing then there better doesn’t need to be anything. Capeesh?

Christmas has come and gone and only one social media account was eliminated. All the others are still there and even have new followers or females he’s following. Go figure! I’ve also been taken off our cell phone account because someone doesn't want me to see who they talk to or text. That's exactly how I’ve caught the cheating in the past! Obviously, if you’re keeping me from seeing something it’s because you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing while in a relationship. You would have no problem with me being on the account if you were doing nothing wrong! Re-read that last sentence and let that sink in. 

Meanwhile, since we are talking about cell phones, let me just say, I have the biggest burning desire to take that phone and throw it out a window or shatter it with a sledgehammer. I cannot express how’s it’s seriously a good portion of the issues that's ruining our relationship. Not only is it the problem of who is being talked to of which they shouldn’t be, there’s also now the issue of never putting the damn thing down. The first night we went to dinner on our Christmas vacation, I tried to have the conversation making plans of what we could do while in Florida, but it was a one-way conversation since somebody was too concerned with being on their phone the whole entire time rather than talking to me. We go to grab a bite to eat the other night and the whole entire time someone had to be on their phone again and couldn’t even have a conversation through dinner with me. When in the car, I’m driving and what’s the passenger doing? Sitting on their phone watching videos the whole time and scrolling. I can’t even enjoy music. 

I used to get bitched at for being on my phone in the years past to the point that it was such an issue me being on my phone, even though I was actually working. The constant questioning and nagging about what I was doing, has changed my usage of social media as well as my phone, especially when we’re together. I try to stay off of it as much as I can when we’re out or having dinner. I obviously can’t be on it when I’m in the car because I’m the one who’s driving and you know you  don’t touch your phone at all while driving! So here I try to make changes and I try for our relationship, but I don’t get the same in return. All I get instead,is the desire to throw that damn phone out the window. Oh God it would be so satisfying. 

Now, let me just tell y’all what happened last night. My darling went out yesterday afternoon to go talk to a buddy about a car. He had asked me days prior to go with him but when yesterday came, he now didn’t want me to go because he said he can’t try to make a deal if I’m around. I’m not stupid. I already know what it is, because it’s been the same thing for the past four years. He just doesn't want me knowing anything when it comes to anything financial. Everything‘s been a big secret for over four years but just from one party of this relationship. Definitely not mine lol. Regardless though, I wasn’t even mad or upset because I was happy to be at home alone working on my projects and relaxing. 

Now fast-forward through the evening. I got a text from my darling asking if I was home yet. I had pretty much just left and was gonna be a minute, so I text back and said exactly that. Before he left, he had said that he wouldn’t be out there all night so by his text I thought he was probably gonna be home soon and wanted to see where I was, especially since I had mentioned maybe we could go have dinner. So I went and ran my errands and after a couple hours I checked my phone and I wasn’t even surprised when I saw he hadn’t even opened my message to him. It had been about two hours ago at this point. Of course I again wasn’t surprised when I saw he’s not even home. I sent another message this time mentioning how he can’t even read my messages and how he’s still not even home. Of course he doesn’t read it for another hour and a half, maybe. 

At this point, I am so sick of being ignored. I have seen his phone being in his hand all night when he’s around me but for some reason when I’m not around, he never has his phone or he doesn’t hear his messages. He used to text me all day, even if he was working,  sending cute messages checking in just talking. I can’t get shit now. For someone who used to be my emergency contact, I learned there is no point putting him on my stuff when he doesn’t answer the phone. Instead he’s the last person to be listed as an emergency anything for me. Why would I when he can’t answer the goddamn phone for me or any of my messages? 

Being ignored, especially when there have been times that it was important, I no longer listen to my phone or worry about if I’m gonna hear from you or if you call. Ms. Petty will give the same as she’s given. Well just so happens on his way home finally last night he had a little situation and got a flat tire. Just so happens he tried messaging me and apparently tried to call me too. He also found a ride home. I was working my ass off in our basement and cleaning oblivious to everything that had gone on. He asked if I’d read his messages. “Well no,  why would I read your messages when you don’t read mine?” Yeah, Ms. Petty was quick at the tongue with that. 

I’m just sick of being treated a certain way and trying to express it over and over again. I tell somebody about it over and over, I continue to try to work on everything.  But it makes no sense and is pointless when I’m the only one who is worried about it and trying. So keep ignoring me, boo I’m gonna do you the same way you do me.

The biggest kicker of it all was this morning though. So as I mentioned, he got a flat tire last night and had to get a ride home. Therefore he didn’t have a vehicle to go to work this morning. Well, I have two cars sitting outside and of course I’m gonna let my partner drive one of my cars if they’re ever in a position without one or even if they want to just because! That's what you do when you’re in a relationship! When in a relationship, it’s not these are mine only and those are yours or you can’t use this because it’s mine type shit. 

Well, remember my Christmas list. The first thing I asked for was a car that you could get in at any given time to drive without having to jump or put air in. Yeah well I didn’t get it for Christmas (honestly wasn’t expecting to) and I know it'll never be a gift for me. So anyways, he needed to drive DaBouj to work, and as usual, there’s an issue with it starting. He had 10 minutes to get to work, no time to play mechanic, so here I came in my shorts and flip-flops, grabbed my hoodie, and rushed out the door to drive him to work. That’s what your spouse should do without thinking twice! 

While we all know shit happens, sometimes cars don’t start, you get a flat here or there. (My cars have more problems than any should though.) This morning there was a hiccup in the plans and routine but we had a way to make it all work at that moment. HOWEVER,  that I drove him to work in, I’m not even supposed to have anymore because I had to surrender it. It was supposed to be GONE and been picked up already! Which would have meant we only would have had his truck that’s parked somewhere with a flat tire, and my mustang that won’t start. Where’s the car that’s driveable?! How would he have got to work?!

Thank God we still have a reliable car for now! But what am I going to do without a car that’s reliable? I’ve had issues and made it well known that there’s issues with the Mustang that interferes with me having anything to drive. When I say I’ve made it known, it’s been close to a year of making it known! Nothing gets done about it because it’s NOT a concern for someone who has THEIR own vehicle any other time. 

Here’s the gut blaster, right now in our driveway is another vehicle that is able to be driven the second the title gets done. There is no initiative to take care of any of it because he already has a vehicle. And he’s already said that I’m not allowed to put the title in my name either. That screams “Fu@k you and what you need, or what we may need.” Therefore, it sits in the driveway for over six months now. All while I have struggled financially with my vehicles, have vehicles that I can’t even drive, can’t get help or get fixed because it’s not a concern to anybody but me and I don’t have the ability to do it alone. 

And then, when I asked about the meeting about the car with his buddy, he hesitates a good minute, and that alone told me that the whole situation a load of shit and anything he had told me was just gaslighting me into thinking that he actually was concerned or trying to do something that would help me for us. That was basically clarified when he  proceeded to tell me how it’s not even a car that can be driven every day because it’s too fast and too much of a sports vehicle than a vehicle that I would need. First off, I have one that doesn’t run and another one that I’m not even gonna have at all so what else needs done to prove what I need?! And second why the fu@k did you build me up with the details of some other car, wanting me to be there to check it out, then suddenly not wanting me around when him and his buddy discuss some so-called deal that had you gone all afternoon till late evening for a car that you ALREADY knew wasn’t an option!?! 

All of that was just another way to hurt me and trick me. At the end of the day, it’s more like you would rather me have nothing and be stuck here and with no car. As long as you have working, running cars and your motorcycle, you're good to go. What’s important is what you want and what you have, not what I want or what I need. And most of all it's NEVER about US and it’s never about being equals or being partners or building together! I get put in the dark, nothing but all the secrets you keep.

All right well my rant is over. At least I feel better and I’m not gonna have all my feelings weighing on me, ruining my entire day. It doesn’t even matter if anybody reads this or even if you read it because I’ve said all this before so nothing new here. It’s never mattered so it’s not gonna matter now. But I’m gonna make sure that I remind myself that I matter, and I have to take care of myself, even if it’s as simple as venting my stress and anger. It’s the first step towards taking care of me again.